Santé Mentale

Can’t really speak for everyone else so, I guess I’ll just speak about myself. We all know this life shit isn’t easy and no one just hands you a manual to get through it all. It’s all you, and that can prove to be overwhelming sometimes. Depending on your religious beliefs, one could argue that the bible or Quran for instance, is in fact that manual however, as we all know if life were really that easy we’d all go to heaven right?

One thing about me is that I tend to feel things a lot deeper than the average male might like to admit in a variety of aspects. Meaning, the things we men find “easy” to shrug off or because of today’s social norms surrounded by how a man is supposed to act all the time we are not “allowed” to feel things such like emotional neglect or emotional manipulation and entrapment because, apparently it makes us less of a man. These are the things that take a bigger toll on me and usually take me longer to really get over, especially from a woman or loved one and although a lot of you may think that’s “soft” or “weak” I find a lot of strength and solace in my sensitivity. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some fragile puppy broken by every little obstacle life throws at me in fact, I feel like the exact opposite. You’d never see the pain in my eyes when you meet me, and that stems from my love of grieving alone. At this point I’m heavily habituated to my pain, almost like an old friend I welcome inside with open arms. It’s gotten to a point where I feel more disconnected with the world when everything around me is going well and there isn’t any struggle (lol, strange right). 

The older I get the more isolated I feel from the world and everyone in it. All my life I’ve been that person everyone would come to, to get a better understanding of themselves. Not because I’m some God with all the answers but, because of how people feel safe to confide in me and trust my advice more than others. I try my best not to judge or condemn people, and I always try to stay optimistic with everyone whether they believe in themselves or not. This is not to say I don’t have friends I can lean on when I’m going through the worst, I just feel like there is no one that can help me the way I can help them emotionally, mentally; generally. 

It’s funny because I’ve realised in my early stage of adolescence a toxic pattern that draws women in relationships, or certain commitments with other men closer to me. I feel as though I’m very comfortable with conversing with women in general and a lot of the time my kindness and authenticity can be taken for something more than it actually is, which allows a woman’s vulnerability to manifest around me, leading to decisions I’m not so proud of. However, this trend also allowed me to realise that certain women like to use me for their own escape before heading back to their reality. They clearly see something they long for in me that their partner lacks or just doesn’t have, and a lot of the time it would be me left with the shorter end of the stick. Used, somewhat manipulated, and taken for granted. 

I guess that’s the burden of being “Mr. Nice guy” - we don’t usually end up with the girl of our dreams, in fact we usually see all the lovely women that share our morals and ideologies with the scum of the world, the “assholes” or “bad boys” as they call it. It’s funny because it would be the same girls who would then reach out to you when things aren’t going as they planned demanding your emotional intelligence and comfort right before they head right back to the same person giving them grief in the first place. This piece of irony never gets old. 

I think the biggest problem I struggle with is putting out everyone else’s fires except my own. My greatest satisfaction comes from bringing joy to other people despite how it may affect me in the long-term. I’ve always been able to take care of other people’s problems or give people that extra piece of reassurance they need to get through the day while I let my problems linger on and worsen. I think I’ve become too good at suppressing it all to the point where I wouldn’t even know where to begin to understand and process it all. It’s all piled up on each other, very messy. 

To make matters worse, I always thought the answer to my problems would be a woman to share this pain with me, and just help ease the suffering life continuously throws at me. Someone to help remind me of my worth and value in this world every now and again, and just wipe the tears of my face for a change, and tell me it’s all gonna be okay. I slowly started to realise that although the idea of it all may seem bliss, true happiness must come from within first. There’s a lot of demons I need to face within myself before I’m ready for such a commitment with someone else. Lord knows just how much love I got to give, and how much effort I’m ready to put in. He also knows how fragile my heart is and how easy it is for my love to be taken for granted, and it’s because of this that I choose patience above all. 

To feel everything ever so deeply is both a blessing and a curse, a trait not everyone can have. The people who can relate will know how easy it is for us to get to the edge and contemplate ending it all. Same people will also know just how genuine our love can be, how we can never take our hearts for granted because despite how many times it’s been trampled over, wounded, shattered, it’ll always find a way to repair itself, ready to love again wholeheartedly.